I simply didn’t realize how much hurt I kept to myself! Until I didn’t. The words seem to fall out of my mouth….when they do. Don’t get me wrong, I’m still guarded.
Mother’s Day was one of those times when I couldn’t even keep my pain from myself let alone the object of my anger. Nope, not sharing who I was mad at because ultimately it doesn’t matter. What matters is that I was honest. Brutally honest. The problem is it didn’t feel very good and caused separation rather than unity and love.
Confusing, right? How can being honest be helpful if it’s hateful and hurtful? Yesterday it was both.
The angry, disappointment, frustration wasn’t new. Me not swallowing it was. Usually I censor myself. I call it being mature. And sometimes it is! If I blurted out every thought, I’d spend so much time apologizing. It’s good to censor. Yet, I’m learning I don’t have to censor my internal conversations and sometimes I don’t have to sensor my outward conversations either.
As of today, this is the biggest transformation brought about by my ketamine infusion treatments. The difficult conversations are easier.
I’m surprised by what’s really in my heart because I’m censoring myself into non existence. It’s scary coming out. And the sunshine feels warm and nice.
Yesterday, it didn’t feel nice, warm or safe. It was scary! I didn’t realize how sick and tired i really was. I spend most of my time understanding and justifying what I perceive as others hurtful actions against me. I believe that’s called codependency. Well, since the ketamine, I’ve changed and it just happened for me. I didn’t really do anything for it except have an IV stuck in my arm.
Thankfully, I have two foundations that are my guiding stars, my posts that keep me falling off the edge of the road; my relationship with God and the processing tool called Inquiry by The Work of Byron Kate which of course includes MBSR.
So, after expressing my whole heart yesterday in what surely appeared outwardly as a tantrum, I took it to Inquiry. There, I gently heard myself. I reflected on the situation. I considered how I might feel if I had viewed the situation differently. And I looked at it from different points of view.
My goal to listen to myself was met. My goal to be loving…well, I eventually got there. The end conclusion that brought peace in the moment? Same one that usually does – not my timing, God’s timing. Respect agency (choice) – mine and theirs. For goodness sake, get OUT of the future’s business! Leave the future up to God.
I think this is what Brene’ Brown is talking about in all her books (I’ve read every one) about being brave, authentic. Could this be true adulting? Being me. Owning it.
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