I would like to share with you my survival story.
I was diagnosed with clinical depression at age 12, at age 13 I was diagnosed with social anxiety disorder and at age 14 I attempted to take my own life. “Fake a smile, no one will know, laugh at a joke even though its not funny, pretend to be happy, don’t let anyone know you want to lay down and cry,” these are all things I’d have to tell myself to get by in school. What was even worse was everyone I went to school knew about it, yet nobody did anything, they actually tried harder to avoid me. Going into my 9th grade year I was starting to feel a little bit better about my depression. I had gotten myself on medication, I had worked out my issues with a therapist, I finally started to move outside of my comfort zone and make friends. I met a girl, with problems of her own, whom I thought would be my best friend forever, I finally had a “real” boyfriend. I finally felt like I was alive and loved. That changed quickly. I relapsed and started cutting again, and my “friend” took it upon herself to tell everyone. That’s when everything started to go down hill. The people I thought were my friends stopped talking to me, their reasoning was that they didn’t want to turn out like me, my boyfriend left due to lies created by others, my family was notified of my cutting through a school counselor, which seemed to make the situation worse.
That night I went home and got a call from the guy who had just broke up with me, he said something to the effect of, “If you killed yourself now, no one would even know because no one cares about you.” Then another from his friend calling me names that I am to uncomfortable posting on such a beautiful webpage. These words all hurt but nothing stung worse then my “best friend” calling me and telling me she could no longer talk to me because I was going to give her my depression. That night I made a serious attempt. I purposefully chose to block out the rest of the month following my suicide attempt.
Everything these kids said and did to me were wrong, and I wish everything had gone differently. Today I still suffer from mild anxiety attacks and I have troubles in social situations, my depression is fairly under control and I can function now with the help of family, friends and therapy. My life is amazing, I have a beautiful 4 month old daughter, an amazing family support system, and I am a full time college student. I would not be able to say any of this if I were gone. That is something for everyone to think about.
If I ever find myself contemplating suicide, I have to stop and think of these 3 things:
1-What needs to be cleaned up or taken care of? At this point I clean everything and anything in sight and by the time I am done, I feel less depressed and have calmed down a bit
2- Who will be hurt by my decisions? My mother, father, daughter, grandparents, friends, my dog. I make a list of anyone and everyone I can think of, this helps me to realized that I am loved.
3-If I leave today, what might I be missing out on? Sit down, make a list of all the things you want to do in life, what you would miss out on, what you could do alive that you cant do dead.
My hopes are that by sharing my story I can help someone. It doesn’t need to be a great deal of people, but if one life can be saved or changed, then I know I have done my job in sharing my story.