My entire life has been filled with feeling that I am not enough. I’m not pretty enough, or funny enough, smart, skinny, valuable enough. The list goes on and on. I am the first person to jump up to help anyone except myself. I’ve never felt worthy of even my own time, much less anyone else’s. I’ve battled depression my whole life, but very recently went through the hardest battle depression has handed me. About a month ago, on May 18 to be exact, I had the suffocating, terrifying and overwhelming thought that my family would actually be better without me. And here’s where depression, mental illness, anxiety, whatever you choose to call it, can pull you under quickly….while your gut tells you your mind is doing what I refer to as ‘crazy making’, you cannot accept that this awful feeling will pass. You live completely in THAT moment of dispare. With zero hope of coming out of it unscathed. That’s exactly the point I had reached in May. Luckily I have a very good Doctor that I was able to see immediately, and with his very blunt, cut and dry dialogue I was able to realize I COULD get thru one minute then the next and so on. He forced me to analyze what my children’s lives would look like without me here, a month from now, 6 months, a year.
I left his office with a bunch of new meds ( yes I take them, and I will never be ashamed of that) and an appointment to see him again the next day.
I got in my suburban and drove towards home. Back to the valley I love, my family, my friends, my life. But even just driving was overwhelming. I decided to park and try to compose myself, and the most amazing thing took place. I heard Hannah’s voice, I could see her smile, she was with me. Gently but firmly urging me to breathe, look around, and SEE what I would be leaving. Not just the landscape, but each of my kids, my husband, my life. And as I sat there crying and just being still for a few mins, I realized there is and never will be a time my family would choose to be without me. To them, I AM ENOUGH.
I mustered my courage and drove to the market to fill my prescriptions, still shaky, unsure, sad, but a little more confidant than I had an hour before. And that’s when my third intervention of the day took place…I saw Laura. Now I’ve met Laura in passing, I know and adore Chase, and I honestly had never met Hannah, but I walked up to Laura and simply said “She knew I needed you right now. Can you please just hug me?” And Laura did. No strange looks, no questions asked just opened her heart and arms to me. Eventually we talked, in the produce section, for 15-20 mins, about nothing in particular, but that was exactly what I needed. Just me being there was ENOUGH.
I headed home, shaken but not overwhelmed, and cried. Not because I was stil sad, but because I was incredibly grateful that the love of someone who’s basically a stranger, and her amazing Angel Hannah, I got to hug my kids that night. I got the chance to see their tomorrow’s and my own.
I will never say I’m ‘cured’ or never depressed, but I will say this; MY angels found me that day and kept me safe. So remember to be aware of the people around you, listen when they speak, praise them when they need it, but most importantly, remind them THEY ARE ENOUGH. And so are you!!