A Mother’s Love

May 11, 2018 | by 
Brave Soul

I’m a suicide survivor, have been for 10 years, my mother took her own life on September 22, 2007 she fought bi-polar disorder all her life and to say my childhood was difficult is a understatement. From a very young age I knew my mom was different than my friends moms but I didn’t know why. I never had the normal mother daughter bond like my friends had and that made me so sad and empty inside, like I wasn’t worthy of being loved, I was lost and unguided in my youth but as the years passed I learned to love and accept myself and be happy with the life I made yet I wanted my mother to be a part of my life but it was never to be. A parent is suppose to love, teach, guide, protect their child not voluntarily leave them to pick up the pieces of a shattered life and try to move on, did you not love me enough to fight was the question I had in my mind and I found myself asking where do you start when you have to start all over. I knew the journey had to start with me, I had to give myself permission to process all the emotions I had built up inside and slowly I put one foot in front of the other and accept the life I have now. It hasn’t been easy but slowly I’ve found happiness and purpose in my life again, sure I have setbacks and days where I feel sad and alone but I look at how far I’ve come and I’m so grateful for all that I have. People have asked if there was a certain event in my life that has helped me tremendously in healing and that was the birth of my daughter, through her I’m able to be the mother to her that I always wanted growing up and it was then that I realized that the sad, frightened little girl I once was finally has what shes always wanted, a mother’s love.

 

*Editors note:  This story expresses the pain and suffering of a survivor. We don’t want to be left. It’s part of the delusional thinking that comes with mental and emotional illness that we would be better off without them. It’s not true. At least we’d rather they not make the decision for us. This is the reality. The vast majority of people who complete suicide believe they are a burden to family and friends. As wrong as it may sound to those of us who survive, it’s the way they think. The lesson? If you come across someone who is suicidal or even depressed, let them know repeatedly that their struggles are not a burden to you and that together you can get through anything.  #TogetherWeRise #LetsTalkAbout