2026 – Ivy Davis – Beaver High School HS

A Beautiful Sadness

I am cursed with being perpetually unbothered.

When I say “unbothered”, I don’t necessarily mean completely unshaken and chill with everything. Rather, I mean my emotions are out of whack. They aren’t unregulated – it’s more like they’ve been so regulated that they now don’t know how to exist in a normal context.

Throughout my life, I’ve learned many things. I’ve learned that the texture of rotting peaches and the feeling of moldy goop dripping through your fingers is something that no good human should ever have to experience. I knew that pigs were omnivores, but I learned that they will eat chickens alive if given the opportunity. I’ve learned that fences tediously hand-made out of racks and wire won’t keep goats in your yard – they’ll 100% escape anyway. I’ve also learned that you can’t build a greenhouse by hand, fail to maintain it, and then get angry when nothing grows in there. 

Even with all the ridiculous, stupid, and pointless knowledge I’ve acquired for ridiculous, stupid, and pointless reasons, I’ve still never learned how to be a “normal” person. My middle school years in particular were largely made up of me failing to be a stable, functioning human being – something that seemed to come so easily to literally everyone else.

When I was 12, I was diagnosed with MDD (major depressive disorder). Remember I said before that I’m perpetually unbothered? This is probably why. Though most medical websites include “persistent sadness” as a symptom of the disorder, this was not the case for me. I felt numb and empty all the time – both intentionally and not. I intentionally silenced my feelings in several ways, the biggest one being by eating food. I ate all the time, non-stop, because the dopamine hit and pure joy I got from it pretty much prevented any coherent thought from forming. I didn’t have to think about my problems or circumstances when I could just drown it all out with 50 bags of hot cheetos and 100,000 granola bars or almond butter biscuits (which I probably couldn’t eat nowadays without feeling nauseous, but were absolutely peak snacking at the time). I was at a very unhealthy weight, had heartburn every night and couldn’t sleep, all while hating therapy and experimenting with a few different medications to treat my mental illness. Unstable is a very kind way to describe my emotions at the time – it was more than that. It seemed that I didn’t have any emotions at all, and if I did, they didn’t last long before they were shut down.

These days, feeling sad is somewhat of an achievement for me. I’ve gone so long feeling nothing at all and not caring about anything that feeling upset is relieving. When my emotions aren’t performative, I feel free – like I’m a normal, complex person who experiences feelings just like everyone else. I know deep down that I’m probably not; I can’t get back my critical years. I can’t quick-fix my problems or wish away my trauma. But this is the person I am, whether I like it or not, and I need to work with myself where I’m at. 

Although no one’s mental health journey is linear, this is true for everybody. You’ve probably heard a million times that you can’t change the past, but you can focus on the future. I know it’s corny, but it’s true. There’s no use dwelling on things that you can’t change. The past is important and plays a fundamental role in who we are and who we become, but it isn’t the entire picture. The present and how it influences the future means just as much, if not more. 

To wrap this up, I want to share a quote from one of my favorite South Park characters, Butters. He delivers this monologue crying on the curb in the rain after being tragically “broken up” with by his “girlfriend” – and even though I’m perpetually unbothered, watching this scene always makes me emotional.

“I love life. Yeah, I’m sad, but at the same time, I’m really happy that something could make me feel that sad. It’s like…It makes me feel alive, you know. It makes me feel human. The only way I could feel this sad now is if I felt something really good before. So I have to take the bad with the good. So I guess what I’m feeling is like a beautiful sadness.”