2025 Penelope Gott, Kearns HS

WARNING: The next message is a vivid representation of what has cycled through my mind, every second of every day, since I have been around 8 years old.

* * I wonder if life really is that hard, am i the only one who feels like–…. ughh why is everything is so loud, why is my clothes touching me like that? EWWW why does it feel like that, why are people so noisy? why are there so many?? no stop okay be normal, be normal, be normal, UGHHH stop being a freak,.. act normal, you’re fine, its fiiiinnnee, omg don’t you dare cry people will see you crying, are you trying to embarrass us?? DO NOT CRY, omg i told you people would notice STOP CRYING YOU ARE SUCH A BABY, STOP CRYING,..what are you doing?? GET YOURSELF TOGETHER…. STOP FIDGETING. why are you so loud? just pipe it down, calm your breathing, you’re being weird again stop, just pretend you’re fine, actually no need to pretend BECAUSE YOU ARE LITERALLY FINE, you have no reason to complain, imagine how ashamed mom would be right now if she saw you, omg stop it stop it stop it STOP, why are you such a freak, STOP, i hate you you are sooo annoying, he was right about you, you need to learn to “Shut the hell up”, and w—– oh crap wait what were they saying?? I didn’t hear them, what’s going on? why does this always happen crap crap crap what am i supposed to do? I’ll just smile and nod, maybe.. but why do they look angry? Are they mad?? What did i do, god they probably hate me,… ughhh i am such a waste of life why am i even here…why can’t i just be normal, what am i even supposed to be working on?? ..what is wrong with me…..? I might actually kill mys– oh hey wait this is a good song 😀 oh crap wait no, focuuuss, what am i supposed to be doing… just get it done, move go on, come oooonnn do your work ITS NOT THAT HARD JUST DO IT STOP READING AND LISTENING TO MUSIC JUST DO YOUR WORK, whyyyyyyy, ughhh you are literally useless, you can’t even fill out a survey??? nice one dude, this is why everyone thinks you’re a weirdo no wonder you’re a loner, God get a grip on yourself,….i’m hungry maybe i should get some Chipotle, NO OMGOSH you fatty, just do your work before you fail…no, okay stop, life isn’t this hard, i’m just dramatic,..just shut up and do your work jeez…* *

Growing up with undiagnosed ADHD until my junior year of high school, feeling severely depressed and overstimulated constantly, and coming from a bi-cultural background where most mental illnesses are stigmatized and “don’t exist”, life was a little challenging for me to say the least. I grew up with these words and many more in my head all the time, some coming from my own mind and unrealistic expectations, and some stemming from what other people would say to me. I never felt as if I was good enough, but I was always convinced that it was fine and that it was just me being dramatic. Everyone wants to harm themselves or disappear/die at least 4 times a day or more, right?? Wrong. And yet even after several failed suicide attempts, I still convinced myself I was fine. There was no amount of self-harm, failed assignments, depressive episodes, panic attacks, family fights, or otherwise that could seem to convince me otherwise. And it went on like this for years, even on therapy and ADHD pills… I just constantly felt like I was never good enough. That was, until I started doing self-care, and was able to open up to 2 people who mean the world to me now; an incredible therapist that is incredibly patient and supportive, and a caring teacher who has never given up on me. They both over time have been able to teach me that the value of our lives is not determined by how useful or perfect we are, and that we are good enough. Simply being who I am is enough. Doing my best is enough. And I would like to spread this message to others. They are not alone, and from someone who has been there too, even on the bad days, I promise, we are enough. Never forget that <3