2025 Caleb Wright – Maple Mountain HS

Merely to be Normal: How I Get Back Up

Resilience is a skill that did not come naturally to me. Ironically, I learned that “Respectful, Responsible, Resilient” was the motto of my junior high school right around the time I truly began to struggle with depression. A new school is generally seen as a fresh start, but like many my age, that fresh start was the year our world shut down, literally and figuratively. The COVID-19 pandemic kept us isolated in our homes for months, without interaction with the outside world except for group chats and quick runs to socially distanced stores full of empty shelves.

When we returned to school after months of isolation, we were faced with handling a traditional seventh grade workload, while continuing to be isolated from friends. I see the pandemic as the real start of my struggles; I came out of the pandemic with clinical depression that I never truly recovered from.

Despite feeling limited by the majority of my interactions being online, during this time, I discovered my love for designing games. I joined several teams of amazing people working on beautiful projects. Thomas, who I grew to see as a mentor, became one of the driving influences toward me seeking to design games as a career. Thus, when I heard that he had been hit by a car not 300 miles from my home, I was devastated. I went numb for weeks, unable to properly process it, before breaking down. I couldn’t bear to work on gaming projects for more than six months after he died. As I spiraled, the schoolwork continued mounting. It felt like the world was ending all over again.

My depression continued. I would break out into panic attacks at completely random locations. I found myself canceling plans with friends, and I felt overwhelmed beneath the weight of bad study habits, mental illness, and a rapidly accelerating graduation date. Additionally, I received word that my lifelong physical struggles to breathe through my nose would require a difficult and painful surgery.

While I’d love to say, “But then one day, I realized it wasn’t so bad,” that’s not what happened. But that’s OK. That’s not what resilience means anyway. Instead, through a large combination of factors—improved study habits, enhanced emotional connections, and discovering my passion for game design––I began to look at my life and both accept it the way it was while having hope that I could make it better. A few things have combined to give me this hope. First, I began to recognize the need for self-compassion. I tend to be overly critical of myself. As I’ve grown to compassionately accept some of my imperfections, I began to recognize my limits and better appreciate my strengths. Second, I’ve learned to use my stubbornness to my advantage. I’ll spit life in the face, but I won’t let it beat me. And third, in my study of philosophers, I came across the words of Albert Camus. He said, “Nobody realizes that some people expend tremendous energy merely to be normal.” I felt seen by this long-gone thinker as I have frequently put in this tremendous energy. Through his words, I was able to see my fears written out rather than just constantly circling my mind.

These efforts combined to begin my slow but steady progress towards a stronger sense of self. I participated in protests and was active in my community youth city council, finding purpose in working to lift others up. I recognized that I needed friendship, novelty, and creativity in my life if I wanted the strength to get up in the mornings. I started designing my own games again and analyzing what it was I liked about the field itself. I even got through the surgery I needed for my breathing problems. It’s not easy, and there are still days and weeks where I struggle, but I always come back stronger. I always learn something about myself and what I can handle. I am not giving up anytime soon. My first published game isn’t even out. I’ve got a long way to go yet.