I’m having my 4th treatment at 3:30 pm today.

I wanted to report on how I’ve done this week. It’s been a week since my last treatment. This report isn’t all fluffy and nice. I’ve had a hard week. I started off angry. I don’t like to be angry. Yet, there it was. I was angry at Hannah for the first time. I was angry at my circumstances. And frankly, I was simply angry with no obvious cause.

I’ve noticed how I am more grounded. Oddly, I’m missing my nervous energy that has kept me going all my life. I’m shocked to realize this. The payoff, I think, is I’m not seeing problems that I need to fix every second of every day. This kind of reminds of the children that I’ve known that have endured abuse yet want to stay in their parents home. They are comfortable with what is. I’m comfortable with my norm. Or, am I? Comfortable? No. There is nothing comfortable about being nervous all the time. It’s just a new norm. For those of us who were abandoned or abused in any way, control is a major issue. That’s what it is. I don’t feel in control of me. I don’t even understand who I am right now. All I know is that I’m calmer and I’m changing. Isn’t it amazing that we can become so used to pain and suffering that we call it normal? Do we believe fighting is the way it’s supposed to be? A daily struggle?

My short term memory is worse. That’s a possible side effect of ketamine. I’m sure my hydrocephalus is a factor here. I’m fairly sure I’ll go back to my normal lack of memory. I’m not too concerned about it.

Overall, I definitely am changing. I’m determined to create new neural pathways to replace the ones the ketamine is healing. In order to do that, I have to make different choices. The people in my life remain the same. That leaves responding differently up to me. So far, that’s exactly what has been taking place.

The experts say it’s vital to get some kind of talk therapy through the treatments. I use a processing tool called Inquiry. It works for me. As a matter of fact, it works very well because it’s all about giving myself space to experience a frustrating incident and then looking at the same situation in different ways. That’s exactly what ketamine treatment is meant to create; a clean slate to then see things differently. Simplified, yes, but pretty darn accurate.

Alright then, I’ll finish up after my treatment letting you know how it went. Besides the needle part, I’m looking forward to it. They are really gentle.

Next morning…

News flash! KETAMINE IS NOT A NARCOTIC! Who knew? Not me! I didn’t even question it. It’s not physically addictive!

Fun facts…

Ketamine has been FDA approved and used for around 60 years. If you’ve ever been put under for wisdom teeth extraction, you’ve probably had ketamine. Ketamine doesn’t stop your vital organs like other commonly used anesthetics thus you can breathe on your own during use. It’s often used after surgery to reduce pain because it’s not a narcotic.

Well, I’m obviously feeling better after yesterday’s treatment. I slept great. It’s like all my problems were washed away. We know that’s not entirely possible but what we DO know is that my neuro receptors have been wiped clean and are healing. Healing? From what? What we do know is that overexposure to glutamate causes sensitivity to just about everything which can present as OCD, anxiety, depression, ADHD, PTSD and more. Healing effects from all that immediately? Yep, immediately for the vast majority of people. As in up to 80%. How does that compare to antidepressants? Let’s just say Goliath has just met David once again. And while Goliath is filthy, stinking rich, fortunately he’s no match. I’m sure Goliath is panicking, racing, to find a way to patent something, anything to capitalize on ketamine’s restorative properties. Heaven help us because what works is simple ketamine.

Okay enough of my not so passive aggressive disdain for a certain ineffective industry. And yes, medication has worked and works for some. I will never deny that. The question is how well and can we do better? Okay, back to me.

Bruce, my husband couldn’t take me, my friend did. I trust her.

Whoever you have in the room, it’s imperative that you trust them.

The clinic is busy today. I’m so happy! That means people are getting help.

I am in a different room. It has a big comfy chair. Some day I’ll ask what one of these cost because I’d love one but…..

My favorite medical staff come in and hook me up. I start my own playlist. Music matters! Within minutes I’m out.

It’s different. The kolidascope is lighter, brighter. During very brief moments, I notice myself smiling. I’m happy. And just that fast, I start to become more aware of my surroundings.

I’m not really asleep but I’m not really awake either. I’m somewhere in between. I keep my eyes closed because the room is spinning. I check in with my stomach. I’m thrilled I’m not nauseated! I guess ketamine likes chicken better than pork! (See Treatment #3 for details.)

I sit for a while talking to my friend about truths and peace…with my eyes closed. Hoping I’m making sense because even though it’s not a narcotic, I am not fully present.

The medical staff walks in and we proceed to catch up. See, we’re family now and family cares. They care.

I try to get up to go to the bathroom and wobble. My friend catches me. Escorts me to the bathroom door. I assure her I can make it from there. And I can.

Back in the big comfy chair, I sit for a while. I’m feeling ready to go. It’s 5:30. I started about 3:45. I get home by 6pm.

I’m feeling a little nauseated now. I flop in my not quite as big comfy chair. I’m brought crackers, water, and I’m good.

By 7 pm, I’m still a little wobbly but feeling great. By 8 pm, we are exhausted and head to bed. I’m out by 9 pm.

I woke up at 5:30 am having slept great.

And here I sit, finishing this blog post. I’m headed to an all day class on investigating our beliefs about death. Ironic, no? Like I wrote yesterday, a part of me is dying. I think I’ll embrace it.

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