The day of treatment number three.
I eat. I grab a bluetooth speaker for the playlist I created last night. I have been warned to only use instramental music. I listen to the songs on the way to my treatment. I remove a couple of songs because they seem too jarring. Piano Guys didn’t make the cut. Sad.
I’m hoping I didn’t eat too much and I hope I ate enough. I hate being nauseated.
I’ve been very dizzy today and sick to my stomach. I finally remember that this happened about the same time after the last treatment and that the next day I was fine if not great. So, I surrender to whatever.
I always like to feel in control. Yes, I know it’s an allusion. I want to understand everything that’s happening in my life. It’s a trait that comes from abuse and instability in my life. It’s an aspect of anxiety as well. In some ways, it’s served me well. I’ve got a keen sense of logic and ability to problem solve. On the other hand, it is exhausting. The reality is I can’t control much of anything and trying is tiresome.
We arrive at the appointment. Sit in the waiting room for a moment. Then a nurse invites me back to the room with the big comfy chair.
We are joined by the nurse anesthetist, Krystal. I really like her. She is kind, gentle, honest, and authentic. She’s done the treatments so she knows.
She’s training a new nurse. I like her too. Before long, we are laughing and making jokes.
They say it’s very important to try and be in a positive mood before the treatment. Not sure how that can always be achieved when most are severely depressed.
I’m all hooked up. My music is on. I get the dose a little quicker than I thought. My last words were, “Haha, bye bye.”
Background noise makes a difference! I think the noise machine that sounds like a babbling brook is what caused the kolidascope effect of my last two treatments because it’s totally different this time! I’m listening to easy listening. Some is piano and some is guitar. All of it is mellow mellow music. I really like the Native American Flute music. My most favorite was the one hymn I found, How Great Thou Art. Music matters!
It was colorful and definitely swirly. It felt cartoonish which I believe was a result of our laughing before hand.
As I am coming out of it, I am aware that Krystal is holding my hand. So comforting. Then a song comes on and jolts me, Cannon D. I could barely speak but I manage to get out the words, “Make it stop!, Please make it stop!” They grab my phone and push forward. They are moving as fast as they can in Keystone Cop fashion. We burst out in laughter!
I start getting the clarity that I’ve eaten too much because I am sooo nauseated. I sit for a while. Bruce comes in. He helps me to the bathroom. And we leave.
I get home and go to bed. It’s the worst after treatment experience and yet the best treatment experience. I decide I won’t eat such a big meal an hour before treatment ever again.
The next day, I’m mad. Before long, I realize I’m sad. And I sit with all of it. I talk to Bruce. I’m just mad at everyone and everything even God.
I honestly don’t understand what’s happening and that’s okay. I’ll understand at some point.
Overall, I’ve been sleeping better. Generally, I seem to have way more energy and desire to do things. Today, there are things I should have done and simply refused. I accomplished what I wanted to. I don’t feel glued to the couch or bed. Bonus!
Today …. I slept well last night. I seem to be dreaming more. I’m not as angry. Sitting here, it occurs to me how guilt is intrinsically tied to anxiety. I’ve heard that every bit of advice I give is what I need to hear. I think back on my presentations to the kids on Thursday. I spent time talking about guilt verses shame. I encouraged the kids to make it okay not to be okay. That’s what I feel is happening right now. I place soooo much pressure on myself to be good, helpful, a good mom, friend, wife. I am giving myself a break. I don’t know what that means exactly but I will soon enough.
I also notice that my anger has a spattering of resentment. Resentment is born of self imposed guilt. Now, isn’t that interesting.
I’ll end it here. Treatment number three has been challenging. And yet, the it’s brought the greatest insights for relief. I’m hopeful.