My last treatment of 6 was the 19th of February. I highly suggest you read my blog posts that detail each treatment.

They say those around the patient often notice changes before the patient notices. I doubted that but after last night I don’t.

We were packing for a trip. It had been a very busy day. I didn’t get home until 10pm. Our plane departed at 7am the next morning.

I hadn’t packed a thing yet. I needed to do the dishes, the laundry completed, the animals food set up, and sleep enough to guarantee a good mood and working brain the next day.

As we were packing, my husband, Bruce, said to me, “I’m noticing something weird about you.”

His words intrigued me but also scared me a bit. I expected criticism. Even though I expected criticism, I had a playfulness in my soul that wouldn’t allow me to go to my regular position of defense.

“Really? What’s that?” I said with a smile and lift in my voice. He went on to say that usually I am so very very stressed the night before we travel. That’s true. He then said he has never seen this pre-trip me before.

After 25 years of marriage, that’s a strong statement. And he was right. I’m a controlling, tyrant before trips. How else will everything get done? 😉

I sank into what he said. I was amused and surprised. I wasn’t stressed.

Unabated stress is the fuel for anxiety.

I chuckled. I smiled at him. I replied, “Goodness, I don’t feel any stress. It’s close to midnight and it’s okay.”

Next day, we woke up at 5am. We headed to the airport 15 minutes later than agreed. I wasn’t stressed…at all.

Life is peaceful without worry.

We arrived at the airport, caught the shuttle, checked our bags, and headed to the TSA security check.

Someone was clogging up the process. Waiting, waiting…oh dear, that someone would be my husband who left his hand gun in his briefcase. Ooops!

Now, this is definitely a situation that warrants stress especially as I’m escorted by the police and directed to wait outside a door as they take my husband to a hidden room to question him. Yep…..

Not only am I not stressed, I find it all rather humorous. After all, it’s not me in trouble. 😉

I’m not even worried about making the flight – either we do or we don’t.

Now, I’m not completely devoid of worry. The thought of missing the immediate opportunity to see our friends leaves me momentarily sad. Losing a great deal of money from a missed flight would be unfortunate. And certainly the possible pending fines and consequences of Bruce’s absent-mindedness causes concern. Yet none of it causes anxiety – fear of future. I just notice that all those possibilities exist but they are not my reality now.

Is this how most people live? Everything isn’t catastrophic even events that clearly could be?

We make our flight and even though I’m regulated to the cheap seats, I’m in a great mood.

A few days into our trip, I got the horrific news that one of Hannah’s sweet friends has died from suicide. I cried. I attempted to call and or text everyone who is close to the situation.

I feel it but I’m not so overwhelmed that I can’t function. I’m sad but somehow I am okay.

I’ve lived through many suicides since Hannah’s death. There’s always sadness but an extra added measure of guilt as if I could have, should have prevented it. Which is interesting because I’ve always advocated for #becauseof rather than ‘what ifs’.

Today, I feel I can be there more fully for those who are suffering from our sweet girl’s suicide.

I don’t understand clearly what ketamine has done to me but it’s amazing and wonderful. I’m going to find a way to help to make it available to as many who need it but can’t afford it.

The facts:

In use as an FDA approved anesthetic for 60 years.

A solid 10 years of medial use by infusion to heal mental illness in just 6 treatments.

Works for 80% of people.

Out of those 80%, 5% need booster treatments. (Generally those who are already on medication for mental illness. Most titrate off to live life without any medication.)

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