Got a desperate message last night from a person that helped me after Hannah’s suicide. Her adult child has been threatening suicide for a long time and last night it felt closer than ever.
What hit so hard last night was her admonition that if he goes, so does she. And she meant it.
She is suicidal!
This is a highly accomplished, intelligent, successful, helpful human being. Her words propelled me into crises. I probably said a couple of things I teach everyone not to say like, “No, you can’t do that to your husband and family!” Well meaning stupid thing to say. Fortunately, I took a breath and grounded myself in reality – in the moment.
At that point, I have to let go of outcomes and deal with every single moment. Reality IS ALWAYS kinder than the imaginations/projections of our mind makes up. What was that in her case? Her son wasn’t dead. He was texting her. “Right here, right now notice he’s not dead.” I gently conveyed. Powerful.
Think of the times you’ve moved from a place of fear of what you thought MIGHT happen. How did that really work for you? For me, reality is my friend, my best bet, where I can find peace but it takes mental work to stay there. It takes the practice of noticing. MBSR is a fantastic tool to enable the mind to notice what is actually happening in the moment.
This morning, her son is still alive and my sweet friend checked herself into a hospital to get help, to be safe, to rest.
To her belief that she has to, will die if her son dies from suicide, I ask you, is that true? She believes it. As we video chatted, the pain in her face was real, deep, torturous. That’s how you know you’re believing, you’re attached to an outcome, that isn’t the true. It kills you a little bit at a time or all at once. Your thinking matters! It’s foundational to your emotional world. Yet we don’t understand that it’s changeable, malleable, adjustable without any need for the outside circumstances to change first. That’s freedom! It’s available to all of us!
In that moment, mom to mom, the truth for me that I shared was that IF he does die then I can relate to feeling that a part of me will die because it felt literally like a part of me DID die when Hannah. I shared that with her. She’s not crazy. She’s terrified.
I love my statement because it doesn’t bring pain. It’s true. A part of me has been regrown and healed. I will NEVER be pre Hannah’s mom. I’m a post Hannah’s mom. I find beauty in this. Acceptance accompanies the beautiful into painful places and shines a warm light into the soul.