Rylie Holmberg, AISU HS, 2018
I’m suicidal. I’ve always been suicidal and I’ve gotten depression since my grandmother’s death from breast cancer in 2011. I was in 5th grade when she died and I blamed myself for her death because I think I never spent enough time with her or gave her enough love. I’ve attempted suicide a few times and my mom actually got me to stop trying to attempt suicide. No, she didn’t send me to a mental hospital. Frankly, I don’t think mental hospitals would work for suicidal people. It just depends on who the person is to be honest. She explained to me that suicide can actually be kind of selfish. When someone does suicide, it makes other people feel horrible and always be in that horrible pain and mindset that it was their fault. But what my mom says next really woke me up. She says, “Rylie, you’re sad because grandma died right?” “Yes.” “Well, you love her to death right? And you want her to be proud right?” “Yes.” “Well, why would you want to throw away your life so easily, when grandma fought so hard to keep hers?” That got me really thinking at that point. So many dead people wanted to keep their lives. They WANTED a life. Why am I trying to throw away mine when I’m so lucky to have it? How selfish do I have to be to want to throw it away like that? I’d say I’d be pretty selfish to do that to my friends and family. To my own grandmother. So, I’m done trying to attempt suicide. I think of it yeah, but that’s never going to go away. Just like depression. It will never go away but I have the power to make it smaller.
Editors note: We are grateful Rylie is still with us. We are grateful for her tremendous bravery in sharing her story.
Suicide is a tremendous burden on the survivors. We also understand through research that those who complete more than not felt they were saving their loved ones from pain. While it’s not true, they feel as though they are helping their loved ones by leaving; evidence of a broken mind that chooses suicide. If you’re believing that your loved ones would be better off without you, ask them. As a survivor, I will tell you that being a survivor is a burden I wish on no one. If you are struggling with thoughts of suicide, please talk to someone. Seek help. There is hope.
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