Live Hannah's Hope Logo


2024 – Awardee – Zadie Kimball Maple Mtn HS

Mar 26, 2024

My Eating Disorde

Somebody in the world dies every 52 minutes from an eating disorder. I started my eating disorder in 2017 when I was twelve years old. The signs were significant early on. I started competitive dancing when I was five years old. I started noticing my body at eight years old. I quit dancing for a year at that age. I said it was because I was tired of it, I wasn’t interested anymore. I quit dancing that year because my body didn’t look like the other girls I was dancing with. I loved my sport but hated the mental drain. I came back the following year and my New Years resolution started with “I am going to lose weight.” I didn’t care how, I didn’t care if it was safe or not – I would lose weight. So I started restricting myself. While my friends were eating lunch I would throw mine away. I went off sugar, and I had grown women applauding my “self-control.” When do you have so much self-control that you start losing control within yourself?

In eighth grade, my uncle died because of suicide. I was angry, sad, and mourning. I had never experienced a loss this impactful. I didn’t know how to handle my emotions. I started becoming extremely depressed. I started finding “coping skills” These quote-unquote “skills” started making me feel a little better but extremely anxious. I started self-harming, using marijuana,  and most harmfully, I started to seriously restrict myself.

I went to the doctor. I told him about my serious depression and anxiety, I told him that my stomach was constantly in pain and that I was always tired. When will our doctors start to notice the warning signs? I got on antidepressants, and I began to have control over my depression, but my anxiety was at an all-time high. I didn’t understand my feelings.

I had been out of dance for a couple of years at this point and decided to try out for my high school cheer team. I made it! I was so excited until I started to notice my body again. I compared myself to every single person I saw. I was comparing my 15-year-old body to my 12-year-old body. I became uncontrollably self-aware. When cheer started, we had our uniforms fitting. A uniform that fit me perfectly two weeks ago and I was currently swimming in. My mother had to sew all of my uniforms so they wouldn’t fall off. Coach Niki called me in after practice, she said “Zadie I think you need help. None of your uniforms fit you. You have almost passed out every single practice, and you’re covered in bruises.” I said, “I’m okay, thank you for your concern, but I promise you I am okay.”

I refused to admit I had a problem until three years later – my senior year. I started finding different coping strategies and became extremely reliant on marijuana. I started to really lose my appetite. My meals consisted of Redbull and nicotine – both appetite suppressants. I relied on self-harm to make sure I could still feel. This was what my days consisted of until the end of September 2023.

My mother called me while I was at school demanding I get home instantly. I was terrified. My mother had never done this before. With my friends in the car, I had said “Well if I just got caught, maybe they can fix my eating too.” I came home to my mom sitting in our unfinished house and asking if I needed to tell her anything. I sat there and told her everything except the obvious – my dependency on marijuana which she clearly knew of. Eventually, she said, “What about the pot?” I said, “Yeah”. She continued to ask me if I needed help. All I could muster was “Yes”.

One week later, I was admitted to the Center For Change. I was a patient for four weeks. I went to therapy all day, every day. When I wasn’t in therapy I was eating or having a panic attack. These four weeks were the hardest and most difficult, but my biggest success. I have slowly started to overcome my biggest trial in life. I have found healthy ways of coping. I have made the greatest friends and created trusting beautiful relationships with my family. I have learned so much in the last five months. Please be aware of the warning signs with yourself and people around you. It is possible.

Recent Posts





Why did they choose to die?

We are Mutants

Every single person I’ve met dealing with suicide ideation, deals with this.

About the Author

Related Posts

If He Dies…

If He Dies…

Got a desperate message last night from a person that helped me after Hannah's suicide. Her adult child has been threatening suicide for a...

read more


Do I blame someone, anyone for Hannah's suicide? If we blame one person for anyone's suicide, then it opens the door to blame... across the...

read more




Leave a Reply