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I Am Light

Laying in the dark of life is horrific.

Aug 18, 2016

Hello there. I’m going to get to the point, isn’t that why we are here? Since I was 7 (I am now almost 19) I have had anxiety, OCD and depression. At such a young age i didn’t understand what was going on so I didn’t fight back. I let it consume my entire being and pretend that I was as happy as all the other kids looked so i could fit in. Little did I know, I was handing control over to my life. It wasn’t until the last year I got hit by a sucker punch. I started to realize when I laid down at night, I didn’t know who I was. I had become everyone around me, losing myself entirely. I had thrown myself into a pit of self hatred, pity and once that hit me I hated it. I didn’t want it, I wanted to be in control of my life and my path. It didnt happen overnight, I still fight for it everyday. But now I look for the silver lining and if it isn’t plain and clear, I create one. I am my own guiding light in life. Some days I don’t want to move, to get out of bed. On those days I create an even longer to do list and I drag myself to my feet and complete as much as daylight allows. Because I know if I give in to the desire to be alone, I will be erasing every step towards the beauty of life and run a marathon of back steps. I waited to ask for help when I was laying in a hospital bed from a, thank God, failed attempt at my own life. From then on I told myself suicide is not an option. That became a core belief and a fact that would never change. I started living for myself, my happiness and my success. I became selective about my friends. I surrounded myself with people who lived with a real smile, and were able to be sad when needed but not live in the darkness. Its still scary and beyond difficult. But the air in my lungs is there for a reason and i decided I wanted to live to figure out why. Every morning is a battle and I have finally begun to win them all.

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