The past few years of my life have been an emotional roller coaster… actually let’s just say my whole life. I have truly seen and been involved in some dark and sad times. It’s really hard to watch the ones you love hurt themselves. It’s hard to watch them give their life away to inanimate objects, in my parents case that would be Drugs and Alcohol.
Growing up around, being surrounded by so much darkness.. so much evil. I always thought for sure that I was doomed. Looking back on my life I realize now being an adult, that I was subjected to and involved in things that no child should ever have to endure.
There were many times that I believed my life was too hard to cope with. I didn’t know how. I didn’t understand why my parents didn’t love me enough to change. I didn’t understand why they loved drugs and alcohol more than me. I battled so hard with this thought for years. I battled knowing that I was alone with my dark thoughts, I couldn’t express them to my parents. They would just push me away or get angry. I couldn’t go talk to anyone else, because I was afraid of being taken away from my family, being separated from my sister.. or simply afraid that they wouldn’t understand or I would scare them off.. so I remained silent.. drifting further into my own pit of blackness
I carried what felt like the weight of the world on my little shoulders. I was taking care of my sister making sure she was up and ready for school everyday, and most of the time making sure she even had food in her mouth.. all while doing the same for myself. Starting from age 6 until even now I have been a parent to my sister and am always worrying wether she is okay or not.. wether she is being put in danger or not.
All of this madness, all of my built up anger and sadness… finally got to me. I believed whole heartedly that I couldn’t do it anymore. I simply couldn’t bare to live another moment in this life. So I decided to end mine. I remember that day like it was yesterday. All day long, all I could think of was “how am I going to do it”. I was truly frightened.. I didn’t want to die, I just didn’t want to live anymore. I didn’t want to live through any more pain, darkness… I couldn’t bare to shed another tear.
I fought myself all day long. Should I do it? Should I not? I finally decided I was going to do it, I grabbed what I needed and proceeded to end my life. Then my sister walked in and saved my life. I spent two weeks in the behavioral unit at McKay Dee Hospital. After that terrifying yet liberating experience, I started seeing the world a little differently. I wouldn’t say that I was cured, still felt sadness and pain.. I even still experienced dark thoughts. I just had a different sense of the meaning of life.
The past two school years have been the toughest and most challenging. This past year, Senior year is one I could have never imagined. After running away from home at the end of Junior year, I found myself in the arms of my Soul mate. We were quick to get married. Being married at 17 then shortly after getting pregnant, were not easy! I have dealt with a lot of misunderstandings, rumors, and stress.
I had to work so hard to graduate this year and in time before Our sweet boy arrived. At first I was very emotional and had no motivation. I was afraid of going to school, what would all of my friends say? What would they think of me? I decided to attend school in a smaller setting. On top of all the stress of being pregnant, and the war between my family and I… school was just the straw breaking the camels back. I felt that I had no support from anyone besides my husband. If it weren’t for Ed, I wouldn’t be where I am today. After taking extra exams to earn more credit, hard work, and as much dedication as I could possible give.. I graduated 6 months early. It was just in time, seeing that a month later I gave birth to the most beautiful baby boy. Elijah our son has blessed our life immensely. Today I am happy, and so proud of myself. My husband and I just got our first house together, we are working on loving each other more and more everyday. Today I look back on my life… on all the horrible things that have happened to me. I could sit hear and feel sorry for myself. I could dwell on my past.. but I have decided to live with the thought of Everything happens for a reason… I’ve decided to be grateful for my past and all the pain that came with it. I look at my parents and their example, that being the example of how I don’t want to be, how I don’t want to treat my children… like a wonderful friend of mine told me once.. Nothing happens to us, everything happens for us.
About the Author
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