Utah seniors share their stories of resilience.
I’m not alone
Suicide for me is such an interesting word. What does suicide mean? For me, I thought it meant to kill one’s self, but I’ve slowly been learning that suicide isn’t something to fear…rather it’s a blessing in disguise. It’s an opportunity to stare fear in the face…and question it.
The story I’m going to share is only just that…a story…but it can definitely provide perspective and insight into your own life.
What do you feel when you feel suicidal? When you have suicidal thoughts? When you experience this deep agonizing pain in your chest. You feel the weight in your body. Do you ever actually feel it or are you too busy pushing it away. For me, as of recently I’ve had this belief that my parents, my mother is responsible for how I feel internally. And a recent epiphany I’ve had is that no one can feel what you’re experiencing. I know this sounds scary and can be uncomfortable but knowing this has given me the chance to really get to know myself.
I don’t want to share my whole life story because I feel I don’t even believe parts of it anymore and to share them just wouldn’t feel true to even say, but I can say that throughout my adolescent years and early 20s I have been very driven. Can anyone relate to this? I eventually reached a point of pure exhaustion and hopelessness. I had these stories running of being unworthy, a failure, disgusting, and not good enough for anything. Pretty heavy stuff, right?
I ended up having to come live with my parents again. I eventually came to a point of not being able to deny and repress these emotions anymore and one day I just had this fear of death and terror in me. I called my parents and asked them to come home because I was feeling terrified. They came home and I just collapsed. I felt a surge of energy in my body just come out of me and it felt like I was trying to catch my breath. Kind of like suffocating. And wanting air, but on a mental level. Looking back I now see that thoughts were hitting my mind and I was just believing them. I was just assuming that everything I thought was true. In that moment, something in me shifted, and my world and I would never be the same. I got on my knees and cried. My mother got on her knees and hugged me ” and told me she didn’t know what to do.” And looking back now, how could she know what to do with that pain? How the hell could she handle that amount of pain? It wasn’t her experience. Not my pain anyway. I had the expectation and belief that she should take care of how I felt. But looking back now I see the insanity of believing that that could be possible. My mother could not hold the emotions in me. The thoughts in my head? Why? Because they weren’t hers. I was the one attaching onto these ideas about who and what I am. How could she possibly be there for them. The best she could do for me was hold a safe space for me – which she did perfectly. In this moment, I felt so alone because I realized that she did NOT have the power to heal me. To help me ( not in the way I thought I needed). She couldn’t and it was just so clear to me when I saw her on her knees crying sobbing that she couldn’t do anything, she didn’t know what to do.
Hearing this, I went into panic shock. I believed that I was alone, and what came out of me was just terror, I felt isolated. Alone. Hopeless. For any of you who can relate to this I have some good news for you. Coming to a point like this in your life is a blessing in disguise. I felt numb for a while before I realized later on that the only cause of my suffering is when I believe my thoughts.
Having intense pain and suffering. Feeling suicidal is not something to be ashamed of, or scared of. If you’re interested in truth it is a gift. Have you ever wanted to be there for someone who you thought was experiencing deep pain. Well here’s good news. There’s only one person you ever really need to do that for – that person is you.
The key to overcoming suicide, pain, and anything we would assume is hell is to welcome it. It is meant to be understood not pushed away, for me anyway.
If you feel suicidal, I invite you to contemplate what it feels like to believe the thoughts you hear that bring you the feelings of not wanting to be alive. You might be surprised at the answers that come out of you.
Suicide is a war with reality. And that is the only suffering that ever exists. Wanting things to be different as they are. I don’t mean accept your emotions. It’s so much deeper than that. It’s an intimacy beyond acceptance. It’s called loved. Self- love. You’re enough. You have the answers.
Laura has more information on amazing tools you can use to get in touch with what you’re feeling. Thinking and believing. I invite you into these sensations because they are your teachers. They are gifts that bring you back to something beautiful.
Don’t believe a word I say. Try it out for yourself to see what your experience is.
I love you so much. You deserve nothing more than the love that you are.
If you need help just ask for it. The only real help you need is to show up for yourself and maybe a safe place to do it.
About the Author
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