June 19, 2016, 2 years.

Life is duplicitous.

Two years ago today, Hannah ended her pain, her life.  So many have said we’d never be the same.  I didn’t understand that.  I’m starting to.  Life has become an exercise in duplicity.  And I’m sure that I’m still in shock or is this how I’ll feel the rest of my life?  I don’t know.  “I don’t know” is a phrase that I’ve become very fond of.  I simply don’t know.  What I do know is that after two years it still feels like a dream.  There are moments when I wonder if I’m awake or asleep and I hope that my thought will jolt me into an alternate reality.  But, it doesn’t.  Here I am.  A mom without a daughter.  A mom whose daughter chose to leave, to end her pain, to die by suicide, to die.

Two years.  Much I can’t remember but I guess that’s what happens to trauma victims.  We forget horrendous pain.  Much I do remember like so many kind people holding us with prayer, kind thoughts, kind words, patience in my forgetfulness and uncharacteristic anger.

Forgetfulness – holy brain damage.  So many missed appointments.  So many times I’ve showed up on the wrong day, the wrong time, the wrong place.  Ya, thanks Hannah.  Glad those moments are becoming fewer and fewer.

#BecauseOfHannah, I have grown.  I have changed.  I am more patient.  I am more willing to see the pain.  I am more willing to learn from pain.  I am far more willing to talk about my pain and to allow others the same right and privilege.  I appreciate the sunrise.  I appreciate my family more.  I appreciate life more.  I appreciate the people in my life more.  I appreciate prayer and scriptures more.

Still life has become increasingly duplicitous.  The lows are less low.  Yet, every grand event is met with a measure of sorrow.  Father’s Day….YAY!  Cheesesteaks!  Wish Hannah was here to eat them with us.  Chay is getting married!  YAY!!!!!!!!!!  Wish Hannah was here to stand in Liz’s line.  The boat is being loved back into shape and will be done this week.  YAHOO!  Hannah loved to go boating.  Wish she was here.  She loved wakeboarding.  Bet she’d be doing flips by now with her daddy.   It’s always this way…..duplicitous.  The scales are tipping.  I see less of the sad and more of the happy.  And fortunately, I find gratitude in most everything.

So, little girl, we miss you and our hearts ache to see you again.  When we do, we know you’ll be different, whole, happy, joyful.  That’s not just wishful thinking or positive thoughts.  It’s reality.  A reality I can live with. There is no doubt you are still with us in spirit.  Ladybugs continually show up for us and other people. Chase and I had the same experience with a dragonfly – how unlikely!   Of course there are the ‘out of the ordinary’ butterfly brigades.  You and grandma must be in charge of all these or at least a portion of them.  Or, is it that you are just as ‘gathering’ now as you’ve always been.  I bet that’s it.  I have little doubt that you ‘encourage’ ladybugs, dragonflies, and butterflies to visit us often.  Thank you.  We are paying attention to and enjoying these wonderful signs/visits.  In return, I hope you see our signs of love to you.  Our getting along better.  Our prayers which include your name.  The flowers we plant in your name. The beautiful pictures of flowers we take in your name. The lives we lift in your name.  The kids we hold and encourage to stay in your name.  The adventuring we do in your name.  We live our lives better for you, because of you.  We will not waste your pain and suffering.  We will continue to learn.  We love you.  I love you.  I miss you.  It’s getting easier but I will never not miss you.

Mom

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